Grief & Joy: On My Second Child Turning One

On April 4, 2016, I went in for a routine appointment knowing ‘This Could Be The Day’. Having anticipated ‘The Day’ for weeks, I was skeptical. My doctors had started me on BP meds, so I figured those would buy me some time and I’d deliver closer to my (bumped up) delivery date. But when I went in and the doctor was alarmed by my still high blood pressure, it was ‘Off To The Hospital For Me’. I remember looking at my OBGYN and bargaining, “I haven’t had any breakfast yet. Okay if we stop for something to eat first?” Her look said it all, and I understood. No McDonald’s. Just hospital. Post-haste.

Somewhere in the two miles between The Group’s offices and Genesis’ birth center’s triage rooms, my condition went from “hypertensive” to “preeclamptic.” I never thought I’d be glad to hear those words again, but since this time it wasn’t severe, all it meant was that I’d get to ‘Have My Baby Today.’ And I did. Andromeda Gertrude – “Andi” – arrived at 8:04 that evening, just as Villanova was shocking many, many basketball fans with their victory in the men’s NCAA tournament game against North Carolina. I hear it was a great game, but I didn’t watch it. I did however determine that maybe my daughter was a Villanova fan, based on her arrival time, and the good luck she granted the team.

That was a year ago.

Today is April 4, 2017 and Andi is one year old. It’s almost as shocking as the score of that tournament game. But not quite.

I remember bringing Andi home from the hospital and wondering how I would manage our new family makeup. Now there were TWO. I grieved the fact that Joe would not have my undivided attention anymore. I was a bit panicked the first time that John had to leave for his faculty meeting and there I was – in charge of two small dependents.

That was a year ago.

Now, I marvel at a tiny human developing her own personality and silly little traits. I watch in amazement as she eats just about anything – even though, yes, at almost a year old, she is just barely now getting teeth. I laugh (though maybe I shouldn’t) as she makes a beeline to the dog’s dish, shaking her head no the whole time because she’s knows she’s supposed to stay out of there.

As a mother one year after the birth of my second child, I am definitely Feeling All The Feels. There is a little bit of grief, I’ll be honest. Infant phase is over. The new baby smell is gone. I’m done nursing, and, much like it was with my first child, her interest in cuddling is over. I may have boxed up my maternity wear once and for all. These things feel a bit final because, due to my trend with risky pregnancies, she could possibly be our last child.

But then, there’s joy. So much joy. Watching my son entertain my daughter to the point of uproarious laughter is at the top of my list. Watching them play together as she tries to be “peer” and he tries to be “teacher.” I am delighted at this stage of autonomy. As I was fond of saying as a small child, “I do it myself;” she is already testing out that phrase, even though she can’t say it yet.

Birthdays are anniversaries, no doubt. And on this one, I am mindful of the work it takes to get a baby born. When I think back to the time in the hospital, the early days at home, the wacky sleep schedules and constant feedings, I do so with relief because we’re done with that but a little bit of sadness, too, because it’s over.

Even so, as I navigate the mixture of feelings, mostly I’m just grateful. Grateful for a teammate, John, on this adventure of parenthood; grateful for family who visit frequently, grateful for our “village” who walk alongside us on this journey. And of course, totally thankful for my daughter, Andromeda Gertrude, this integral part of our lives and who came into it one year ago today.

So Happy Birthday, Andi G. You make your mama very proud.